MONKLIFE

In 2017, I ended a relationship to a man that I loved dearly. Still do and always will. I don’t know the rhyme or reason behind why some things happen the way they do – how there can be so much love, admiration, care and respect, but that something can still not be quite right. That seems so cruel. Yet that’s where we got to. And before I knew it, a little voice inside me, a voice that is not reason, not logic, and at the time was certainly not expected, but dedicated solely to my self-preservation said softly ‘no more’.

I’m not the first person to have ever ended a relationship, and I sure as hell won’t be the last. And there are circumstances that are far more and less dramatic than mine in which the parting of two souls happen, but I can only ruminate on my own, and this one in particular haunts me.

Living in a constant state of anxiety elevates your cortisal levels, and absolutely screws your adrenal system, and my physical health was starting to fail under the pressure. Always a person that is easy to slumber and good on the tooth, my sleep shacked up with my appetite and ran off into the sunset together without me. But that was nothing compared to what was going on in my heart and my mind.

The perpetual questioning of myself was ruthless, the profound sadness, the harrowing emptiness. The memories, they kept beating on the shore of my mind like a neverending set of waves crashing against the sand, over and over and over and over, eroding at my sense of what was right and what was wrong. The what-ifs, the replay of every single interaction, every fight, every email, every text message. The self-inventory, the self-analysis, the self-loathing. It was if a inexorable loom had invaded my body, and just kept spinning.

I had no energy to do anything, and everything I did exhausted me. How was I going to get through this? Not even this whole breakup, I mean this week, this day, this hour, this minute. The only thing that I am unable to escape from, ME, was pursuing me, relentlessly.

Something had to give, for my mental wellbeing, for my physical wellbeing, for my emotional wellbeing and for my spiritual wellbeing. I did the only thing that I could think to do that might work.

I became a monk.

Well, not exactly a monk, but I adopted what I have since labelled #monklife

I couldn’t control the me inside my head, but I could control some external things, and I needed to do it in a way big way. One journal entry and two yoga classes was not even going to touch the sides of my monumental heartache and soul inventory. I needed to pursue physical health in a dogged fashion so that my physical body could support my mental self, and then they could pair up and get started on repairing my heart, which was in a million pieces.

What does #monklife look like? Well, like my mates over in Nepal, it’s pretty simple really. Wake, exercise, meditate, work, meditate, yoga, journal, read, bed. #repeatmonk. Fuel your body with nutritious and non-toxic consumables (#healthymonk), turn down all the outside noise (#shhhhhmonk). Say no to social occasions (#introvertmonk), and only seek those who fill the tank up, and require nothing from you, understanding that everything you have to give, needs to be taken by you (#selflishmonk).

And all this, with a good dose of humour. As #funnymonk is definitely a #goodmonk to have on your side when you are #strugglingmonk.

Whilst previously, an answer to my life’s stressors had been found at the bottom of a bottle or ten of shiraz, I can only advise that #drunkmonk while #funmonk at the time, can become #sadmonk and #cryingmonk very quickly. Avoid at all costs. (#oneglassmonk permitted)

I arranged a trip so that I had something to look forward to #anticipationmonk and have a lot of time dedicated to myself, but also people on call for when I need to be #distractedmonk.

#hashtaggingmonk whatever I am doing is not only hilarious for me (#selfpromotionmonk), but also for everyone around me, and let me tell you right now, it’s going to go #viralmonk so you saw it here first #trademarkmonk

Most importantly, in the self-inventory though, I am trying to remember to be kind and loving to myself. It’s a shit time, there’s no escaping that (#realitymonk). And it comes in waves (#tidalmonk) there are good days and bad days, there are days when I want to pull the covers over my head, and just not play adult anymore #goawaylifemonk. I let myself feel that, I let myself think that, I wallow and writhe and curdle in it. And then I get up again the next day and try again #resilientmonk. Because as horrendous as it is, it’s also a time of incredible #selfdiscoverymonk and #lifelessonsmonk.

It’s not here yet, but I look forward to when I am #healedmonk

In the meantime, if you’re going through something,

Or even if your not,

Can I strongly recommend #monklife

Your body and mind will thank you for it

Trust me, from one monk to the next